"I'am not a hooker. I am just business savvy."

I have never had any interest in prostituting myself and being ostracized by society. Sex should be an emotional, loving and spiritual experience shared between two (or three or four) people. However, because of the rising costs of living, I’ve found it necessary to start charging men for my inconvenience.

Being an “easy” Craigslist girl (and one of the few that’s not a spam bot or email fisher) is very difficult, and I don’t think men understand the personal and professional sacrifice involved in being “nice” when casually dating. Every man on Craigslist wants a woman who’s open minded, dirty-minded, and a little “less” discriminating than average. After all, the more selective we are in holding out for that “special guy” we all want, the less lucky you Craiglist guys get. That means you lonely guys have to post M4W ads at all hours of the night to no particular audience—except of course the bored gay guys that check out your public cock pictures.

So I always ask guys that I find interesting, do you mind helping me to control the rising costs of casual encounters? Most guys have no problem with this, since they are more than happy to pay $60 for a dinner with the mere possibility of a blowjob.

But what I find irritating, and totally understand from a man’s point of view, is why most women insist on a $60 dinner—only to suffer through awkward conversation—instead of spending that cash elsewhere. Few can argue that this is what we’re actually thinking during one of those high priced dinners…

Guy: (Speaks) How’s your wine? (Thinks) She better be worth it.

Girl: (Speaks) Good. How’s yours? (Thinks) Can’t we just fast-forward to the “just friends” conversation and skip all this creepiness?

So what I’ve started doing is rather than accept dates with the implication of the guy paying for dinner, and rather than tease men relentlessly by pretending as if I’m just going to go to their house for random sex because their two-line personal ad with a shirtless pic was just that unbearably sexy, I’m just going to start itemizing the costs of a casual affair. Any man can see that paying a woman for her time invested in you is the gentlemanly thing to do.

My new cost of living schedule goes like this:

• Non-dinner fee is $50 – The price of a dinner is at least $50 – But I am not going to pretend as if you buying me dinner matters. If I like you, I will blow you for free. If I don’t like you, it doesn’t matter how much you splurge. Because buying extra breadsticks doesn’t make you any hotter. So I figure why not just skip the dinner expense and give me that money in advance for my own personal use? It’s called efficiency, not whoring.
• $50 – The price of sexy lingerie which you insist I wear rather than unflattering wardrobe of pants, a t-shirt, and tampon combination that I usually wear, not to mention the cheap whore makeup that lights your fire.
• $45 – The price of gas going to and from Dallas-Fort Worth and to Bumfukc, Texarkana or wherever else you live. I don’t have the luxury of owning a Tesla Car. Now I know some guys have generously offered to meet me at my apartment rather than pay the gas fee, but please understand that having you in my apartment and exposing my plants and cats to your very unique and possibly toxic odors is not necessarily hygienic. I am taking all the risk here. And my $45 gas fee is still cheaper than your very generous offer of a sleazy motel for $55 a night.
• $30 – For condoms and birth control because a lot of Craigslist guys seem to be bothered when I tell them I am not disease or drama free. In fact, you should be happy I don’t charge extra for no drama, because drama is one of the reasons a gal wants sex in the first place. Don’t pretend as if my lack of drama and my lack of psychotic stalking isn’t an asset in this day and age.
• $20 for three strikes option. Every girl knows that most guys strike out by the end of the night and most girls will not forgive you for (A) being willfully retarded in conversation and being unable to talk about anything intelligent without sounding like Billy Bob from Sling Blade; (B) sounding like a sex crazed pervert all night and then crying or screaming when I reject you; (C) totally failing at the neuro-linguistic hypnosis strategy you read about, and sounding more like Mr. Rogers on meth when you try to seduce me. It’s not only awkward and sad, but holding back my laughter for so long gives me a migraine, which is another $10 for OTC medication, but INCLUDED in this fee. With the three-strikes option, I actually allow you to make three really stupid mistakes, as 99% of all Craigslist guys do, but will probably have sex with you anyway because you’re nice enough to cover my cost-of-casual sex expenses. If you make four strikes, and say something so stupid and creepy that I haven’t even HEARD it before, then forget it. I’m done. No refunds, no sex. You deserve a cheap generic Fleshlight knock off and a gun to your head afterwards. After all, I am NOT a hooker as I’ve explained several times.
• $5 – For unlimited email and phone tag while you take time and figure out if you really want to sink this low. I can’t tell you how many guys get so iffy and pussified when we start talking cost of living compensation. Suddenly, it’s big existential crisis time. So let me just save you some time. Yes, you’re soulless. Yes, you’ve hit rock bottom. But at least you’re not going to see a hooker.

In closing, choosing not to pay a casual encounters girl for her time and cost of living is a terribly cheap and anti-feminist thing to do. It makes you look like a total douchebag. You’re probably the type of guy that drives by the homeless and smiles, holding your latte up proud as can be while the poor guy’s starving to death. If you won’t pay for my expenses in being your easy date for the night, then you deserve to either figure out why women don’t like you (but that’ll never happen, right?) or be alone forever. Or no, wait…you can go to Hooters, Twin Peaks, Strip Clubs like you always do and blow hundreds of dollars there for a woman to force a smile at you. Yeah that sounds like you.

Or you can be a gentleman and support feminism the old fashioned way – by opening doors, being nice, and paying your tab in advance.

TOTAL PRICE OF MY GENEROSITY AND PATIENCE: $200 (Best deal in town)

-Anne McNamary

(P.S. If you’re dumb enough to think this is a real prostitution ad and not satire please pay another $20 gullibility fee)